X Factor UK Week 2: Dermot Takes Charge

At least it's now even - with three in each category after Carolynne failed to impress voters sufficiently and found herself at the bottom of the pile last week. Louis got all the blame and Gary walked out but it's time to move on now.

I like the way Dermot's taking charge of the show. And there's a change of seating 'after nine years'.

Dermot lists the numbers. Cue the screams. On that basis, Union J win and Melanie doesn't. But let's see how they all do tonight.

Jahmene

Spot-on singing but no connection between the amazing voice and the lyrics. Great performance but lacking real emotion. One of Louis' 'favourite ever ever contestants'. What? Out of all nine years?

Nicole calls Jahmene 'Baby Cakes'. No-one quite likes to ask.

Dermot said he wouldn't but, yes, he does the heady patting eventually, despite Jahmene ducking out at his first try!

Christopher

Big ears looks like a football ref. Sings like one after a few beers. dreadful start. Oh, it's the Heart number again. Typical karaoke stuff. Solid voice but who'd going to buy this sort of stuff? He separates each word. Sounds odd. looks odd. He gets only modest applause. He needs to go.

Dermot doesn't heady pat Christopher.

Union J

Hope they get the song together better than they did their attempt at 'Team Louis' in unison. My God, it's bleedin' Bleeding Love. That works really well actually. An excellent arrangement. Brilliant. That'll go down well with the fans - and the voting fans too.

No heady patting though.

Ella

Can someone please leave her hair alone? She looks so good naturally. Are the 40s coming back? If so then release her album now and get it over with. This, though, is one of the most difficult songs ever. Loving You Is So Beautiful. OK, she hit the notes, amazing notes at that, but... but there was no emotion or connection at all. It was a bit clinical and, talented as she may be, that's not going to get her the most votes this week. Minnie Ripperton had the feeling and the notes and, whilst she didn't have any more success than that to my knowledge, if you dig out her version you'll see what was missing from Ella's. That might change the odds a little, especially with such a strong Union J performance. Doubt I'll get 25-1 on them again for a while.

So, will she get some heady patting from Dermot. With that hair? Perhaps not.

James

Nicole says 'This is my first time in a pub' during the preview bit.
James gets a call from Mary Blige and, unless he's acting really well, he handles that extremely well - he's looking and sounding very mature, not at all as I'd expected him to be coming across.

Now this guy can do feeling. No More Pain was delivered as if he meant every word. This guy's good. That was a 'moment'. Well done, James.

Nicole likes his trousers. No heady patting.

Lucy

After all the bad news she'd had in the week, and in 'Love and Heartbreak' week, she does a cheery song. Gold Digger. Remarkably well done as if she'd written it herself. Nice performance, totally natural and relaxed. That should be popular.

No heady patting for Lucy either.

District 3

They didn't like the song. I Swear. Heavy production. These guys have good voices and harmony and pull off this tricky number. Not bad but Union J get the boy band votes this week.

Nicole wants them like tabasco on apple pie. And baby oil, with all the actions. Well, not all of them but enough to make you wonder.

It'll be interesting to see how the votes total up - will there be enough for both to be safe? If so then when one does eventually go that could well seal the deal for the other. If not, they'll be out soon.

Jade

Forgettable song last week, despite an excellent makeover. Love Is A Losing Game. Accentuating the tone of her voice that distinguishes her but that also showed the notes that she didn't make which was a shame. I'm not a big fan and I'm not sure how many voters are. She seems very much on her own in this competition - that might help her but she needs to make her own space somehow, like Rebecca did.

Louis says she's in a tough category. That's right, for sure, and I think she knows it but there's nothing to stop two girls being in the final four. Unfortunately, I don't see her being one of them.

She gets a shoulder pat from Dermot instead of heady patting which sends her off before he's had a chance to read out the voting number so he has to call her back. Still no heady patting, though.

MK1

The bloke in the group puts on some sort of comedy act this week. Charlie's great but even her style makes this version of I Want You Back weird. That didn't work and even the dancers were totally irrelevant and mostly off screen. It was a bit like Jedward had returned in places. They may be in trouble.
they did make a good point themselves that they are aware that the people that like their style of music are not the type who normally watch X Factor, let alone vote! Fair comment and all credit to this pair for that.
They get hugs from Dermot. No heady patting.

Kye

This guy could easily be a future producer. Reminds me of Chris De Burgh. Great voice and production - I just wish he'd hit the high notes better in the first half. He may have rescued himself near the end when he was right in his best range and sounded good. He's a talented chap but may struggle. Christopher's and MK1's unpopular-sounding performances may just save him, as should the judges if it comes to it.

Rylan

Clear favourite to go at the start of the show but now looking safe with the bookies, at least! He doesn't wind up the show but he does wind up Gary by starting sing one of the Barlow numbers. Lovely. Starts then stops and is very relaxed in swapping from number to number in this weird mash-up and way OTT production. The budget's gone to hell. Groove Is In The Heart was never in tune in the 70s so he could get away with some dodgy bits but actually was not at all bad. It was weird but interesting and even included reference to Gangham Style and loads of references to the new wave of Korean stuff coming our way in there too. An informed production for which Brian gets all the deserved credit. I've no idea what to make of it and nor will many voters but it was bizarre enough to keep him in.

No heady patting as he towers over Dermot like a giraffe.

Melanie

White trouser suit. Flares. That says 1970 to me. Bond-style silhouette behind her is more interesting than Melanie. Two Worlds Collide was over sung but oversung pretty well. Not sure how that'll go down. I'd have given her a Righteous Brothers track.

Louis says the old school is now new school. OK? Whatever that means.
Tulisa, in an attempt to catch up with the million points already scored by Nicole this week, says Melanie was in MILF mode. No baby oil, though.

Nor heady patting.

So that's Week 2 done - apart from the results. It should be Christopher going home but might be District 3 or MK1 getting the close shave. Jade, Melanie and Kye should thank their lucky stars for another week.

Week 1 Result: Producers 1. Carolynne Didn't.

 

The first results show. Wow! If SYCO were looking for headlines in the tabloids, a mass of Twitter messages and to hit as many other publicity buttons as they could to boost ratings then they did a good job with this show.

Dermot raced through the acts that were safe - he had ten of those and calling out District3's name between Ella's and Lucy's was the first surprise. Union J, Christopher, Carolynne and Ryan were the four left standing. Being 'in no particular order', putting Union J on the safe side of the stage was predictable as they may well have had one of the biggest votes, despite a lacklustre performance last night.

That left us with Christopher, Carolynne and Rylan. We guessed that Christopher, having only just been brought back from obscurity with public wild card votes, was safe and it was, indeed, Carolynne and Rylan left standing as the two acts with the lowest votes.

That was quite a surprise. Both had put in reasonable performances last night. Both had been in tune and stronger than several of the others but this is all about who the people actually voting prefer and, certainly to me, Rylan had not garnered as much of an early following as I'd expected and Carolynne had just not impressed anyone with a song that her natural supporters may have recognised. She may have fared considerably differently with a safe standard as she was confident, looked really attractive and sang very well but just not in a way that appealed to enough people pressing the numbers on their mobiles on a Saturday night.

Their sing-off performances were both good. Rylan was in his element with an excellent choice of One Night Only which I wondered might be apt. He was in tune and it was a strong performance with a gorgeous background and everything just worked for him. Carolynne was faultless and produced a stunning performance which all her supporters must have wished she'd done the night before. As she finished to impressive applause from everyone, she was the obvious choice to stay if anyone was to be judged on those performances.

Betfair's odds showed Carolynne favourite to go at the beginning of the sing-off. As she sang those odds reversed and Rylan became the clear favourite to go instead.

Now the fun starts. You know that Gary would support her and Nicole would support Rylan so it was down to Tulisa and Louis. You can also be pretty sure that the judges had been tipped off beforehand as to the voting and would have chatted about what to do. My guess is the producers had told Louis to take it to deadlock and Gary to argue and do something like walk off in disgust.

So that is more or less exactly what happened. At the end of the day, Gary would have to accept that Carolynne's bottom place in the voting wasn't boding well for her in future weeks and Rylan does have that entertainment value too which, in the absence of a Jedward or Wagner this year, the show seems to insist on.

Louis played along brilliantly and got everyone annoyed, not least good old Dermot O'Leary desperately watching the clock and trying to get a decision out of him. In fact, Louis first said he was saving Carolynne and you really did have to feel sorry for her when he clarified that, well, completely reversed it if we're being accurate, and said that he wanted to leave it to the public vote - hence saving Rylan.

That gave us tonight's unexpected result of Carolynne falling at this first hurdle and Rylan living for another week. It may also have given SYCO  better viewing figures for next week by the time the headline writers have had their day!

X Factor UK Week 5 Pt1: You didn't miss much.

By tomorrow night we really should have seen at least a glimpse of all the Live Show contestants so, after last week's poor showing, let's hope audition show 9 gives us some hope.

Not a good start, with 70-year-old Nick, grumpily blaming 'Tulisia' for not getting through. Thank goodness. Life improved with Jade Ellis, singing well and with a marketable look and a pleasantly different tone that worked well. She's easily through but very quietly with none of the enthusiasm or cheers or OTT comments from anyone that many with far less talent have had. Odd. Maybe that was because Leona was the 4th judge, although I could swear that it had been Rita a few minutes before. Shot of baby in the background.

Madeleine next, who went to school with Tulisa, although Tulisa didn't make a very good job of remembering her. She was reasonably good, if a bit shouty. Nice personality, polite too. She's through to bootcamp.

Selina is a wedding and corporate singer so you kinda expect her to be reasonable. She's much better than the others so far today, with an earthy, more soulful sound. Good and safely through.

Deanne struggled with some notes and gets through. Not exactly 'incredible', Gary. Another baby daughter gets into the camera. No obvious fathers for any of them though.

Bianca looks good and is confident. Ah, she's Paul Gascoigne's daughter who has already had plenty of tv exposure in more ways than one. I was expecting a Geordie accent so the London drawl was a surprise. Tulisa looks as there's no way she'll vote for her from the start. No love lost there by the look of it. I might have put her through just for that reason alone. I suppose she hasn't got an abs which is all Tulisa and Rita seem to be interested in. Bianca tries I'm Going Down which is a difficult song at the best of times but that title will not have helped her at all either. there are some dodgy notes but no more than most of the others we've seen almost sailing through so far. The audience is strangely quiet, though, so I guess Bianca doesn't score well in the popularity stakes at that venue. My guess is that the local paper had something that morning.

Mel B now magically appears as the 4th judge. This is getting confusing.

Lauren comes on an puts on a guitar. She seems to have a natural, light and cheerful attitude and could be a surprise if she survives bootcamp. Nice, folksy singer with an edge I liked.

Tammy has a loud and slightly annoying laugh. She's brassy and comes from Derby. I was already expecting her to be quite good and bluesy. they bring her Gran on. Why?? But she does eventually start and, yes, she is good. Straight in, belting it out in good karaoke style. She wouldn't have made it in Simon's day. But she's at least on par with the average getting through so that's that. I can see her doing It's Raining Men and whatever the one by Gloria Gaynor was called.

God, the adverts take up so much time. Dr Who on BBC 1 had finished at 8:20pm and this started at 8:10 so I'm watching a recording time-shifted. By half-way through and fast-forwarding through the ads I'd caught up with the live broadcast.

Now it's yet another 4th judge, Anastasia, an early American Idol winner, and they're in Glasgow. This show is so badly edited. It's another Jade, Jade Collins this time who's representing Scotland by the seems of it. Oh dear, it's another sob story. No daddy around. At least she knows who her father is unlike many of the contestants to date, or their babies. This girl had better be good after all that stuff. You know it will be, of course. It is. Jade is a natural little pop star. Pretty in a chubby way, great trousers, 17. the best so far today, in tune and with feeling in the words and song that comes across well.

As seems traditional, the show ends with a great act. I should have guessed.

Switching over to the Xtra Factor, I am beginning to think this is the better show at the moment. Caroline Flack is doing well on her own without Olly, although he is missed and does make the occasional appearance on a pre-recorded bit.

We start with Mohammed. I do hope I can keep out of trouble with that name and not find the Taliban in the village in the morning. He is The Fish Man and already has a 2 million following on YouTube. And that's really all he can do - the 1lb of fish song. Nice enough chap but televised for the laugh, that's all.

The fish theme gets extended as Caroline then takes a tray of fish through to the judges during a break. Gary announces that she smells of fish and that she should go into the back room. Caroline remarks that she hopes no-one had just tuned in at that point. She's often much more on the broadcasting ball than any of the judges, Louie excepted.

Hey, there's an ad for X Factor USA!! 'Coming soon'?! Hmmm.

Oh dear, Collagen Cleavage is next. She says that when you're born you have a blank canvas as some kind of ridiculous validation for changing bits of her body. I reckon she also had a blank brain. No hope there, we're inclined to think. Seems an awful girl. Hope she can't sing. But actually she can. Louis calls her a cross between Pete Burns and Cher - brilliant! As I believe that she was, herself, genuinely surprised to get the deserved four yesses, I did start to feel a bit bad about the comments I made before. Still don't see her as Live Show material, though.

Jason P comes on and we think that we're going to get a rock performance at last, and possibly a good one too. First let down: he's singing Adele. Second let down: he emphasises the word 'new' when referring to who's with him tonight - it's his 'new' girlfriend. You have to feel sorry for both the old and the new. Simon would have stopped him and asked for something else. It still probably wouldn't have worked, though, as the guy had no upper range at all. Pity but that's it. Bye.

Flashes of a few more apparently getting through.

Dana is our worst nightmare of a forceful training manager in a quango in Richmond. You can just imagine her with a ready-made PowerPoint and notes galore, lecturing men twice her age on Safeguarding or Communal Analysis Trends. Thank goodness she can't sing.

Nice filler next from James who we've seen before, James Arthur? in Middlesborough. the guy looks a hundred times better than his dirty red-faced audition in what i think might have been show 1. I have no idea why but Olly Murs and James do an excellent jam of My Heart Skips A Beat. Now that worked really well.

Last act is Hayley Evetts who came 5th in Pop Idol back in 2002. She's good but not 'amazing' as some judges say. Just good and I can see her in the Live Shows for sure. She'll be a safe and reliable contestant and I expect she'll come 5th again.

Guess what: Little Mix win X Factor.

It's Final time after what seems to have been best part of a year. And what do we get? Dermot dancing. That's weird and must be some kind of in-joke or dare. I can hear the producers now: "Right, how idiotic can we make Dermot look tonight?" They'll dress him as Santa tomorrow and have him bouncing Louis on his knee.

Then we get Peter Dickson banking a nice pile for an endless bit of shouting, Tulisa in a dress that looks like something you'd put on a doll not a supposedly cool NDubz singer. Gary makes an extra few bob too as they all sing-along-a Gary song and, at last, we get on with the show. Oh, no, now we get some home town visit, back story and goodness knows what. After an age Marcus actually sings. He does Hey Ya! and, to be fair, does it well. Nice job and that won't do him any harm at all. What didn't look good was Scooch as backing in the blue air hostess uniforms and, at one point, I am sure he was straddling a jumbo which was not a sight to behold.

Little Mix next, well, after we watch them go to High Wycombe, Romford and South Shields to what looked like quite small crowds but that may just have been the camera angle. Instead of aeroplanes we get motorbikes for some reason that totally flew over my head. They had YMCA to support them. With You've Got The Look they really did not impress anyone. Yes, they do look good and do have the look, well, three of them do, but that was no winner's performance. They'd have been out first week if they'd done that eight or nine weeks ago.

Amelia Lily sang Ain't No Other Man and sang it very well, really showing how much better she is in so many respects to the four girls before. It may not have been the song that anyone's going to remember, though, and think 'Oh I must vote for her' afterwards. You just kinda watched, thought it was pretty good and moved on. She'll need something much smarter next time. Thereagain, they all will.

Gary took the place of Scooch and the aeroplane and sang along with Marcus for the second track, a Billy Joel number, Always A Woman. No comment. It was nice. Nice. Not inspiring or anything to leap up and down about.

Little Mix then came along and I guess Tulisa was up there two, not that I noticed. They did another mash up and the first bit was instantly forgettable, not very good but they did make up with the second section which actually showed, for the first time tonight, that they can be good. But not brilliant.

We haven't had the wow factor that you usually get on X Factor Finals. The track that one act does that makes the show worthwhile, even if they don't win. An approximation to a wow factor finally arrives when Amelia Lily duets with Kelly. Forgetting the dancing, which was not a pretty sight, this was a cool and very good performance.

There can be little argument that Amelia and Marcus are by far and away the better acts but I just have this feeling that it's the Little Mix Show this year.

It Ought To Be Farewell to Little Mix But...

The betting odds at the close of tonight's show say a totally different story to what we saw and heard.

These show MishaB as a virtual certainty to be sent home, with Little Mix (Betfair can't change the name from its original Rhythmix) and Marcus pretty definitely in. At one point Marcus was 40-1 against being sent home but his second performance didn't help him maintain that level. Amelia Lily seems to have those with the money in a bit of a quandary. So what does the money know that we don't? Interesting. We'll probably won't find out tomorrow either.

Misha B
Dancing In the Street
A reasonable enough performance. Not a lot more to say, really. She looks a lot better although the teeth whitening was a bit overdone. I'd much rather have been watching Martha & the Vandellas, though, on an old black and white screen or Mick and David with their version. There was just no excitement or real desire to go dancing that came across. All a bit designed and created for our benefit. She does make an effort, you have to admit, but it's all a bit average and notes just nowhere near accurate enough so recording companies will have to spend a fortune on autotuners if they do take her on.

Pretty Pretty Please
Pretty pretty good. Indeed, I have to say 'well done' to MishaB for making a big effort and she would deserve to get through to the final on the basis of her performances tonight.

Amelia Lily
Ain't No Mountain High Enough
What a difference. Looking like a ready-made pop star and so confident, every note where it should be. This is a pretty tedious song at the best of times and MishaB definitely picked the better track but Amelia Lily is the one who can really entertain and deliver.

I'm With You
Wonderful performance of the rarely heard Avril Lavigne number. This truly held everyone's attention and, whilst MishaB had really made a good job just before, this was far more.

Little Mix
You Keep Me Hanging On
Disappointing. The lead missed some important notes and when the blonde took over near the end it was like listening to a totally different track. How they can be favourite to win when sounding like this I do not know. Unless they pull something amazing out of the bag then they'll be lucky to get through to the final, never mind win it. No chance.

If I Were A Boy
Really nervous start but eventually they get it together just as it's time to go back to the slow low bit at the end which, again, they can't get right. The problem I have with this group is not just that they don't seem to gel any more, being presented on stage as four separate singers again who seem to come from completely different singing style backgrounds but also the fact is that they are not very good, well, not tonight anyway.

Marcus
My Girl
Nervous start but once he got into his stride he was good, very naturally presenting this classic as if he was born to it. Great choice for him, although the slow number did catch him out a few times - not as easy a song to perform as you'd think.

Can You Feel It
Rubbish song but well done. Still not as competently presented as we're used to seeing him being but this guy is good and deserves to get through.

Although Marcus wasn't on top form tonight he should be a safe bet for the final and, indeed, is the favourite to get there. Amelia simply must be there after those fabulous songs. There's no judges' vote tomorrow so it's all down to fan votes. Rumour has it that Little Mix get through which could well cause some interesting headlines. MishaB not making the final after tonight's efforts won't go down too well (although I still don't see her making a huge impact in the recording industry). Perhaps Marcus will be the one to go, so helping SYCO avoid too much controversy and, to be honest, he wasn't that great. Monday might be a good day for the Chancellor of The Exchequer to announce that we're all doomed.

Lady Gaga to Kitty: "Let's Go Get A Drink!"

It really looked as though Janet might well have come to the end of the line but reliable sources tell me that she has, actually, been consistently top in all the voting polls throughout the live shows and so she stayed out of the bottom two after all.

That left Misha and Kitty to do battle. Kitty gave us a good but not really inspiring version of Somewhere Over The Rainbow and Misha produced a wonderful Who You Are, the Jessie J number in response that was better in all respects. I half hoped that it might go to deadlock with Kitty possibly getting saved with a higher number of votes but it didn't work out that way and it was her turn to go.

On the Xtra Factor later this evening, though, there was more than a little comfort for Kitty when Lady Gaga, in a wonderfully unscripted move, surprised everyone by giving her a huge sympathetic hug and then saying "Let's go get a drink!" And they did just that. any hope that Ollie and Caroline may have had planned to interview the superstar disappeared so I wouldn't be at all surprised if we hear a great deal more of Kitty and she'll get plenty of opportunities to put on some of the shows that I firmly believe she'll do well and, to be honest, she'll do just as well with a bit of help from Lady Gaga as she would from the show which she was not likely to win anyway.

The other news is that Amelia has now shot to become the bookies favourite, down to just 4-1 on Betfair, above Marcus after last night's amazing come-back. I still don't see where Craig fits in to all this and, if no-one does anything disastrous next week, that may be his last, leaving just Marcus to handle all the girls.

Amelia Returns And Steals The Show

It's Lady Gaga v Queen tonight. Well, it should be but I found myself watching people who left years ago. I had to watch a recording and had no idea what was going on but fortunately a quick fast forward brought the current acts onto the screen and it appears that London suffered some power cut or something. So, with Dermot once more doing a superb job presenting in difficult circumstances and, in addition, we get to find out who out of the four acts eligible, who will actually be back on the show.


It promises to be an exciting night and it starts well...

Kitty ♫10 ☼8
Don't Stop Me Now
Really powerful and a performance that was not only totally in tune but she genuinely looked a star too. She was mostly hidden behind some bits of furniture for ages but eventually came out and took over the stage. Dermot said that there were also some prancing leather horses on there too but I have to say I didn't notice them as she was worth watching. This girl is damn good and now she's getting better make-up advice is far more likely to appeal to voters than in the early days. I can imagine people paying to see her show and, as Gary says, if she is able to capture the public's imagination with a less staged and acted performance then she could match the others if not defeat them.

Craig ♫7½ ☼7½
Paparazzi
A good start that made you think 'Yes, the guy's got an interesting version coming here' and then it went all a bit average until he pulled it back together at the end. There were quite a few strange notes along the way. He can bring a fair amount of originality and atmosphere to tracks but not enough to combat some of the problems of notes and, of course, the fact that he just doesn't look right.

Li'l Mix ♫8½ ☼8½
Telephone
They did a brilliant job of a tough Lady Gaga track. Very tight and absolutely spot on with their timing and tuning and with excellent vocals from the strong lead. Looking fun and modern, they're justifying their existence as the most successful girl group act on X Factor and I see them in the final.

Janet ♫8 ☼8
Somebody To love
I was hoping this would be the Bee Gees track but, of course, it couldn't be and was the Freddie Mercury one. She seemed much happier back in her own zone and not trying to be something that she's not and you just couldn't help being moved by a captivating performance. A beautifully controlled and unique way of delivering the Queen track. and yet... and yet there was something missing that I can't put my finger on. With such strong acts in the competition now, and this show really has come alive a  last then I have doubts as to where Janet will fir in to the next few weeks. She could well be vulnerable this week and much will depend upon who she's up against.

Marcus ♫9½ ☼8½
Another One Bites The Dust
He'd never match last week's definitive Marcus performance. This was good but, again, something was missing and it was a bit like the sort of thing that they do to introduce American Idol . He was happy enough on the stage and dancing well but the whole thing was just a little forgettable. A nice guy, though, and he deserves to be here.

Misha ♫7 ☼6
She was singing the track that Kitty had wanted. She seemed to leave exactly the same gaps between each word and you just didn't feel that she actually felt or meant the words that she sang. She's a confident and competent performer but I wasn't impressed and no way would I pay to hear that track again. Presenting a much better and more pleasant image to the cameras, however, will not do her any harm. She'd be my act to go this week but I suspect she'll stay. In many ways I'm glad that Kitty didn't get the track because she may have done something else much better!

Amelia ♫10 ☼10
Winning the come back vote by a very substantial margin, that may be an indication of just how wrong Kelly was not to keep her at the outset. Looking great and, especially bearing in mind that she only has had 48 hours to get used to being back as well as rehearsing and remembering words, where to stand what to do and all that jazz, this was absolutely superb.

The Show Must Go On she sang and, although it did actually stop after her performance many people would have been delighted if it had. I'm really delighted to see her back but not so sure the other contestants will be after this really controlled and professional performance. The song suited her well and she looked as if she'd been on the show for the whole time. This was, without a doubt, the performance of the night. fabulous. She could even win.

X Factor UK Week 4: Should they stay or should they go?

Sometimes you wish they'd just not bother with silly themes for X Factor. I mean, it's scary enough with Louis and Kelly and even more so with Alexandra Burke on the other side of the desk. Dermot O'Leary also did a good job of frightening the pants off anyone who knew him well by dancing at the start. Suppose that was marginally better than the contestants dancing, though, so let's be thankful for small mercies.

The Risk
The new version of The Risk kick off the show with Ashford brought back yet again, this time from recently evicted NuVibe, when Ashley left in the week. I guess we need to be a bit gentle on them as they've only had a few days to work out what they're doing, plus all the strange requirements that the show needs. At this rate Louis and Simon will be part of the group by the final. This was an easy-listening version of Thriller. Not very impressive at all. their star quality has improved, though, as the new guy is popular.
♫ 6 ☼ 9

Johnny
Here comes the pencil-shaped old guy. Take a suck of the balloon and keep away from the flames on those big candles, Johnny. Louis was going to dress him in latex but didn't want a rubber Johnnie bouncing round the stage so he gave him a suit. He sang well enough. Well enough for a wedding or something, but not a £1 million contract. The crowd are loving him, though.
♫ 8 ☼ 9

Sophie
She did Bang Bang, as it was in the David Lynch movie theme. Cool start but lost it a bit in the middle. She let nerves get to her by the seems of it. I also wonder where that special quality will be coming through that I think she possesses but we have seen little of yet.
♫ 6½ ☼ 5

Marcus
He was well in his element with Superstitious. an excellent performance which woke us up a bit, thank Heavens. He did look more like a Marcia tonight than a Marcus but I suppose we can't hold that against him. Nice job.
♫ 9 ☼ 8½

Misha
Tainted Love. Very competent, if a bit predictable version. Just can't get excited about this woman and her outifts and styles really put me off. The rhino horn hairdo was bizarre. Not Gaga bizarre but yuk bizarre.
♫ 9 ☼ 5½

Janet
Every Breath You Take. Oh dear. What happened at the start? I almost expected her to stop and ask to start again. So off tune from the one you always thought would be spot on. Nervous and wobbly, she did eventually gather herself together but it was only a glimmer of her former brilliance. Not good enough, reminding me of Vicky's fate a few year's back (although she did go on to do really well).

Funny thing is that when I listened to a recording this did sound better. Perhaps we should always hear her tracks twice to give us a chance to tune in properly. Instead of her tuning to us we tune in to her. Novel.
♫ 4½ ☼ 8½

Frankie
He seemed much more relaxed tonight. Obviously had a good night's rest! This guy's good but Should I Stay wasn't a brilliant way to show off his qualities. Not bad and he should definitely be safe but I'm waiting for those star performances that we all expected at the start. He's far better when he let's go and does it his way.
♫ 8 ☼ 9

Kitty
Sweet Dreams. At last. a really good act to make the programme worth watching this week, which it hasn't been so far other than for some morbid reason. She was first class, with vocals that made you forget even how good Misha had been in that department. add to that a great show and, slowly, the make-up people are getting it right and, perhaps, the public will start to warm to this genuinely talented star.
♫ 10 ☼ 6

Little Mix
Once a bunch of disparate individual contestants, then a group or two, then Rhythmix and now Li'l Mix. they did the Britney Poison number really well and you can imagine them winning if they keep up this good work and get the right tracks each week. Several of the singers are excellent on their own and this li'l group could be the surprise in future weeks.
♫ 9 ☼ 8½

Craig
OK, the boy can sing. Pity it was an Adele number which we are beginning to get pretty sick of now. He should have left this for one of those dangerous weeks when he might have been at risk. Tonight he could have sung a Pinky and Perky number and been safe in comparison to most of the acts.
♫ 10 ☼ 7½

Difficult to call this week. Frankie is vulnerable, despite a reasonable performance. I just don't think he'll get the support. Remarkably, he could be joined by, real shock, horror ... Janet, or even, dare I say it, The Risk! More likely it'll be Sophie with Frankie and, this time, it could be the one with the lowest public vote. Too close to call. Against either of Janet or The Risk, though, Frankie or Sophie would be doomed.

X Factor UK Live Show 1

The first UK Live Show. 16 acts, all with makeovers, not all better as a result, and a chance to show us what they can do for a full track instead of carefully selected clips of them doing stuff they might either not have chosen themselves or were obliged to do with others in Boot Camp.

At first glance this looks a strong crowd and I'd have thought it would be really difficult for three of the judges to select someone to send home. Louis, as ever, will pretend to have trouble but only has Kitty with any chance of lasting for a while and even she will need to overcome a lack of adoration in the voting public.

Welcome back Dermot, too, who is a breath of freash air after watching Steve Jones' wooden efforts and fatuous comments on X Factor USA which is running in parallel on ITV2, just a few weeks behind.

Someone does need to sort out Dermot's make-up, though, and most of the men for that matter, to prevent us being dazzled by the reflecting lights on their foreheads.

Amelia Lily has the task of opening and it's a great start. Brilliant, in fact, with her interpretation of Billie Jean by Michael Jackson. She is one of the few who look better now than in the early stages when the blonde and the black seemed heavy, being replaced by a new, slightly softer look. Amelia would normally be totally safe but in a group with Misha and Janet she must be glad that the comparatively unknown Sophie is on hand to make Kelly think a bit about who should take the hit. This girl has star quality. I can see her selling records but some of the notes need to be found more accurately. Let's put that down to a 16 year old's nerves.

Johnny Robinson tries to sing Believe by Cher. This is where the fun starts as this guy, whilst charming, is way out of anyone's idea of an X Factor winner. It just isn't going to happen. He's already won in a way. People like him. He's had a great month or two of an experience and his natural character may well find him jobs as a talking head on panels like Big Brother has after the show and things like that where I can see him fitting in and enjoying himself. He sounded as if he'd been inhaling some of the helium from balloons. Some dancers appeared and lifted him up at some point for no apparent reason. They should have dropped him. Wearing a ridiculous silver mac he is the show's JEdward, or the 'Circus Act' as Gary called him.

Rhythmix are complete unknowns. They sang Superbass by Nicki Minaj which not many viewers would be able to sing along with. They worked well together and the number was fast enough to disguise their singing or timing until they slowed down at the end when it didn't seem so good. There are definitely a couple of good singers in there and they're pretty and pretty different, standing out in the competition. They should stay this week but they'll need to be a bit stronger vocally to stay longer and give us a chance to get to know them individually.

Frankie Cocozza was the act we'd been looking forward to. There's been a lot of talk about him since the very first week and we know he'll perform well as he seems to have a natural confidence on the stage. In addition he can hold a note, find the next one and you get the feeling he lives the song. This number was The A Team by Ed Sheeran, again something more familiar to younger viewers but they may well be the ones he needs to vote. It was actually a damn difficult track too but he'd mastered it and I liked the way he didn't look for some big ending or overwhelming show. He just stopped and that performance will have done him no harm at all. Top 3 of the night on reflection.

Sophie Habibis Who? Yes, we don't know much about Sophie, except that every image we see of her presents a totally different character and that confuses us even more. Teenage Dream by Katy Perry suited her and she sat prettily like Diana Vickers used to and even sounded a bit like her. She surprised everyone with a really good performance but she's in a very tough group. One has to go and it may well be her which is a shame but Amelia has the edge I think for star quality.

Jonjo Kerr tried You Really Got Me by The Kinks. Nice guy but Ray Davies could have done better and he's 78. He just kind of stood there as if he was in a bar with friends and singing along to a track on the juke box. There was just no star quality, even if he did get the notes and timing well. I think he's likely to go in Louis' group. No, maybe he shouldn't but I think he will as he doesn't have that necessary entertainment value.

2 Shoes could have excelled with Something Kinda Ooooh by Girls Aloud. But they didn't. They started well but then it kinda fell apart. the whole production was rubbish with an old Peugeot painted pink and it was like a pathetic version of a Sheila's Wheels advert. Dreadful. they were also out of tune and out of time. They ought to go but I have a feeling they might not.

What on earth happened to James Michael? He was one of my tips to upset the whole applecart amongst the boys but whilst I could see what he wanted to do with Ticket To Ride by The Beatles, it just didn't work. Such a shame. He must be regarded as the most likely for Gary to send home but...

Misha Bryan is loud. Good, with probably the most accurate notes of everyone, but loud and uncomfortable viewing. Rolling In The Deep by Adele is one of those recent tracks that now sounds as if it's been around as long as a Rolling Stones' track. Yes, it was accurate, had a rap bit thrown in in an attempt to be a little bit different but this girl doesn't do anything for me. Respect her, yes. Like her, want to listen to her more? No. I can't imagine she'll be worried about not being here next week, though. Whilst she'd be my choice to go home that would be a complete and utter shock and I don't think Kelly does that kind of shock.

Nu Vibe did Beautiful People by Chris Brown and that suited them. They sounded OK but didn't come across as a group. Each seemed to have a character and the average that they'd gone for didn't allow any of them to shine. They're my prediction to go and I'm not sure anyone will be too concerned. Except them, of course.

I'd expected a lot from Marcus Collins and Moves Like Jagger by Maroon 5 should have suited him well. He'd been one of my possibles for a Final in the early days but I was not at all impressed by this nervous performance which was only just average. It started strangely, possibly a transmission or audio problem which I don't think the judges saw. In fact they were full of praise so I'm left wondering what I missed. All very average and he'd be the send home act if I were choosing. Perhaps he's so lucky James cocked up.

Samantha Brooks is Louis' 'also-ran' act. She's a nice enough person and she has a great voice, accurate notes and all that. But she's no star, no X Factor winner and watching her doing Free by Estelle was like some Top Of The pops rehearsal from the 1980s. She'll almost certainly survive for another week, though, as JonJo will go first.

The Risk sang She Said by Plan B. Excellent. This is the group to beat after Week 1. No worries about whether they'll stay or not. Every member is a great singer in their own right and some should have made through themselves perhaps in another year. The lead, stolen from The Keys, is a cool guy and very comfortable on stage. Damn good all round and they'll be around for a good many weeks yet, if not all the way to the last three.

Craig Colton was someone I knew would sing well but how would he look? Jar Of Hearts by Christina Perri sounded more like an Anthony & The Johnsons number in the way he performed it. That's meant as a compliment as he really knew what he was doing and you also felt he meant the words he sang. A totally original take on this track and quite unique, he stood out from the crowd tonight and we all forgot his odd gait and silly hair.

Kitty Brucknell is the only real contender in Louis' category. She delivered Who Wants To Live Forever by Queen in a quite remarkable way. Unexpected. She's got a huge mountain of not being liked much to get over and tonight she made a lot of progress in winning back some love. She is a superbly talented singer and performer. If they can somehow transform her to be more likeable, and fix the horrid make-up, she's another who deserves not only to be there but to survive a long time. You just know that she'll be worth watching.

Janet Devlin brings the show to a beautiful close with Fix You by Coldplay. This girl is enchanting. She really  just is in a different league at the moment to the others. Whether future song choices, the others taking chances and getting big fan club following will be enough to help someone overtake her remains to be seen. What is likely to happen is that she'll be in the Final and lose out to the really popular other act, so be careful about those bets! Remember Leon and Steve won in previous years and Crystal and Adam Lambert only managed second place in American Idol!

Sunday will be an interesting show. My guess is that James, Sophie, NuVibe and JonJo leave.

Here are my ratings out of ten for singing ♫ and star quality ☼

Amelia Lily ♫ 7 ☼ 9
Johnnie ♫ 4 ☼ 7½
Rhythmix ♫ 6 ☼ 7
Frankie ♫ 9 ☼ 9
Sophie ♫ 8½ ☼ 6
JonJo ♫7½ ☼ 2
2 Shoes ♫ 6 ☼ 8
James ♫ 4 ☼ 7
Misha ♫ 9½ ☼ 7½
NuVibe ♫ 8 ☼ 6
Marcus ♫ 5 ☼ 7
Sammie ♫ 9 ☼ 3
Craig ♫ 9½ ☼ 8
The Risk ♫ 8½ ☼ 9½
Kitty ♫ 9½ ☼ 5½
Janet ♫ 10 ☼ 9


Information links from X Factor Updates

X Factor USA Boot Camp 1. Five Hours To Impress

Steve 'The Chin' Jones tries out a Ryan Seacrest impression with "This is [pause] ..." I had to check the schedule to make sure I wasn't watching American Idol by mistake but luckily he eventually finished with "... Boot Camp." Pictures of a little girl being woken up by Mom and another brushing her teeth. (She needn't worry too much. Everyone that gets through will get the impossibly bright white treatment anyway.) Yes, this is the part where 162 acts get whittled down to the 32 who will go to Judges' Condos.

This was so much better produced than the UK Boot Camp which looked as if it had been filmed in a village hall and where chaos reigned on a damp wood stage and we spent more time being shown people arguing or wandering around than actually performing. This time they got it spot-on with full length auditions of the groups doing their bit, allowing us to see at least some of what convinced the judges to keep them a little longer.

In Part 1, 162 acts were rapidly culled to just 100 and those who either couldn't dance or who simply shouldn't have been there in the first place were got rid of. The rest were divided into bunches of seven or eight acts and given just five hours to learn the track the judges gave them. No questions, just get on with it. Prior to that, the 100 were treated to a party, presumably the 12 year olds getting fizzy pop instead of the champagne unless they managed to sneak back downstairs when their parents dozed off.

Chin Jones produced another classic piece of fatuous commentary with: "Some of the 100 remaining decide to have an early night. The others stay up and party into the night." Duh. Maybe, Steve, some went for a walk, some got off with the girl in hot pants, some watched X factor UK recordings or just said 'stuff the party I'm off for a pizza'. And whereas Ryan or UK's excellent Dermot O'Leary would have been in amongst the crowd having a good time, Chin Jones was nowhere to be seen. I guess he was rehearsing another truck window shot.

As the 5 hour fuse was set alight we discover that Ike Turner's ex, Audrey, is one of the contestants. She just appears from nowhere and even Simon seems a bit surprised as someone from the production team explains who she is and how she got in.

I struggled to catch the names of all the performers but the screen helpfully had some of the names - also a bit of a hint as to who is expected to be around for a while if they've gone to the trouble of making the overlays -and on stage came Group 1 with Drew, Caitlin Koch and The Anser looking and sounding good. Elaine outperformed Audrey Turner in my view but the Over30s category may need Audrey to make up the numbers and so both may survive a bit longer. They did Creep pretty damn well, Drew clearly establishing a place for herself.

In group 2 Jazzlyn, who I still can't believe is only 16 (and who wouldn't look out of place in the Over 30s if they're still a bit short next week), forgot her words to the appropriately titled U2 number, I Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For. She was great, though, for all that, as was Melanie and some guys who didn't get their names on the overlay. Stacy had previously been shown holding a note for an annoyingly silly length of time - the clip in fact being shown twice which gave me enough time on each occasion to make a cup of coffee and have a chat with my mother. She managed to keep a bit quieter in the group performance and did reasonably well, seeming to impress the judges but still looking in all the shots we were shown as if she'd got a lemon stuck under her tongue and had the type of expression on her face that made you wonder whether she'd ever smiled in her life.

Desperado for Group 3 might have been one of Simon's jokes but if it was it backfired. Dani Knights, Paige and good ol' Leroy in his woolly hat excelled. Skyelor didn't but I have a feeling he'll still get through as he looks good and can probably sing other stuff better. Cari Fletcher doesn't seem to have many fans amongst the judges, despite putting in a good performance but Paige did outclass her on this crucial occasion.

Group 4 had little Brian who was duly relieved to have the rap-embellished version of Wishing On A Star. The little fellow forgot his words but was still quite determined to take over the whole thing. He's good entertainment, which might still get him through to the live shows but JenniFay, Lauren and Reina showed him he wasn't the only one determined to show off with their own excellent input regardless of what he was doing.

Josh K totally took over the Group 5 performance of Superman, with Tiger B getting Simon's attention too. James K was another outstanding act in this bunch but little Nick Dean wobbled on and off notes and completely lost it midway. That'll be embarrassing when he goes back to school on Friday.

Group 6 brought us Philip Lomax and Nick Voss doing well with I'm Feeling Good. All American cheerleader girl Kelly hardly got a look in but Tiah managed to muscle into the act and make her presence felt and heard. Quite what Simon sees in her I'm not sure. I wouldn't keep her but you just know she'll be at the Condos.

I Have Nothing At All looked like a tough number to learn for Group 7 but it finished up as one of the best with superb short notice contributions from 4Shore, Hayley and Ellona as well as the cheeky 14 year old who started the whole series, Rachel C. We'd been tricked by some rehearsal footage into thinking she was going to make a complete mess and miss all the notes but she actually did pretty well. I just don't get someone her age singing those lyrics and it didn't do much to convince me she was that good. However, I expect she'll be good entertainment value too so expect more.

Finally we get Run, for which Snow Patrol had to share credits with Leona Lewis. Well, I suppose it was her version that made the Snow Patrol writers and SYCO the most money. This was a great way to end  Boot Camp Part 1 with every one of its members bar one act doing an inspiring job and impressing, even surprising, the judges.these included Siameze Floyd, Jeremiah, the Song Preservation Society (who??) and StereoHogzz. Some 12 year old called Emily featured in Group 8 too. She was reasonably good and I don't recall seeing her before but 12?? Really? That doesn't make sense. The act that didn't seem to do anything for anyone was Makenna & Brock. Either they're really old-fashioned, have been brought up by maiden aunts who beat them if they show any inclination towards the opposite sex or they're putting on a damn good act for the cameras by staying a safe distance from each other at all times and not exactly setting their audience alight with any passion. I can imagine them doing lift music. They'd be ideal material for Back To The Future IV if it ever gets made and a couple from 1957 is needed. In a similar vein, it is also a relief to report that Ausem were not at all obvious. I suppose they may appear in Part 2 but we live in hope that they were amongst the 62 kicked out at the start.

I lost count of how many acts had been on screen by the end of this show but I don't think it was 100 so presumably we get some more tomorrow. That should be some show with a massive 68 of them being thrown out. Tonight's show started with Paula in tears for some reason never explained. I should imagine that there'll be plenty more where they came from amongst the 68, as well as some of the 32 successful ones, in Boot Camp 2.

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It's the year of the girls on X Factor (and manufactured bands)

So we've now seen this year's X Factor winner. Whether it was after a long, drawn-out weepy back story intro or a brief glimpse of Louis leaning forward with his chin virtually on the desk and grinning "Yes" as whoever that was who was flashed before our eyes is yet to be seen.

Another weird show that I can only imagine was put together by some new guy recruited from BGT or deliberately promoted above his level of competence by Simon Cowell anxious to ensure that his X Factor USA compares well when it is aired here on Thursday. A couple of guys performed well and the far better Xtra Factor showed us a girl who apparently has only sung in a bingo hall before who would have fared well if she didn't find herself up against Misha, Janet and Amelia at bootcamp.

The boys seem an odd assortment this year but the ones we liked best may well finish up with some of the girls in manufactured boy and girl bands. And, hey, where the hell were the groups this year? Knowing who seems to have made it through, I fear we're in for a dire time in that department unless the manufacturers have done as good a job as they did with Wand Erection, which I guess is possible but unlikely to provide a winner.

Kitty in the over 25s should survive for a good while if she can regain some love from the public by calming down a bit on the announcements of how great she is. Otherwise she'll go the way of Katie W last year but hopefully give us some good TV moments until she's voted out.

So it's the year of the girls for my money and Dermot will be so pleased to be up on the main stage and well away from the anxious parents and what I suspect will be tears, tears and yet more tears during bootcamp and, worse, the final cut at judges' houses. Get yourselves ready for some heart-wrenching viewing at that stage. Bootcamp will be what bootcamp is - a farce as people try to form groups with people they hardly know and deliver tracks they may well have little interest in but have to do something with to get through. I feel so sorry for anyone with a really individual talent and style who'll have to choose between going with the flow and hoping they get selected regardless of what their new temporary 'group' does and attempting to stand out and getting panned for being inconsiderate or not 'working with the team'.

My guess, though, is that the judges already have a pretty good idea of who they want in the live shows - well, they have actually already decided but I mean in TV time as we see it - and it's largely a matter of who they'll put into those groups that needs to be decided. The next couple of weeks will not be a pretty sight but, of course, it will be unmissable TV and I'll be getting into trouble by writing exactly what I think again.

Check out XFNow.org and AINow.org by the way, over coming weeks as I've been invited to contribute to their news which should be fun and get me into even more trouble! Yes, Simon, I have been warned. and so has @kirrisdad.

X Factor UK - the slow goes on

Let's start with some good news - xfactor-updates.com has got the @xfactorupdates Twitter account back so something is reasonably right with the world. That's about all, though, as tonight's X Factor show just dragged. A long-winded intro can't exactly have pleased Welsh viewers and we then had to sit through 40 minutes of assorted rubbish shown in full whilst potential live show contestant Melanie appeared and disappeared.

A couple of Johnnies - some Maths guy (who, interestingly, came with young Louis Tomlinson from 1Direction but we had to watch Xtra Factor for that bit of gossip) and a reject from last year who's had a make-over but really desperately needs another that does more than glue his hat - could sing but haven't a hope of getting far.

Dermot O'Leary was conspicuous by his absence, featuring almost solely in a ghastly-looking hug from a fat Essex woman with remarkably straw-like hair. I genuinely felt sorry for him until I saw his tweet from somewhere hundreds of miles away to say that something had fallen on his head. Yes, these are all recorded shows from the summer (remember the summer?) and he's currently concluding the rounds of the judges' houses.

The hug was even more annoying because it came after a couple of heavily spray-tanned Essex girls had been put through to bootcamp (and, I'm afraid, potentially far further). Called 2Shoes, I shall have to think of a suitably amusing and offensive alternative for future weeks as, whilst they could sort of perform reasonably, no self-respecting store or web site will want their pictures displayed within a mile of their front windows or home pages. There are some dodgy acts heading towards our live screens and I really do hope they're not around for long unless that tan gets washed off on Mykonos.

Talking of Mykonos, that's where Tulisa took the groups and then appears to have got really cross that some of the boys and girls, or maybe even boys and boys, decided to, er, practice together at night. Rumour has it than she's even just axed one or two groups for doing what comes naturally. And I thought N-Dubz were pretty much a cool group and Tulisa, of all the judges, would have been the least prissy.

The same rumour has Kelly Rowland banning drink, tobacco and goodness knows what else amongst the girls. How on earth potential stars can conceivably cope with the pressure of being in the last eight in the category, with a 50-50 chance of reaching the live finals and all the fun and cash that that brings as opposed to probably never being heard of again for at least a year without participating in at least one or two nerve-calming bad habits amazes me and all credit to any that survive.

With Gary Barlow stuck somewhere with what looks like a very tedious bunch who probably wouldn't say boo to a goose let alone goo to some booze it could well be that Louis might have the most fun group after all. OK, maybe not.

Anyway, none of this is really what tonight was all about. Basically X Factor was rubbish but Olly and the delightful Caroline, or their producers, turned things around with an excellent Xtra Factor on ITV2. Simon Cowell wandered on and into camera view, chewing on something and looking as if he wished he'd spat it out before being given a bundle of questions to answer on a sofa. He may have been a bit concerned as to how screening both X Factor UK and X Factor USA would fare and the extent to which, especially come AI11 in a week or two as well, we'll reach a point of total domination of reality music competitions on the airwaves. Boy, I shall certainly have my work cut out.

A couple of other groups were shown - Boy V Girl and Brooklyn. Boy V Girl were plain odd, like a couple of cartoon characters. The girl was really pretty, though, and could sing. Not sure about the bloke but they had more going for them than that mushy duo from a year or two back so may be worth watching. Brooklyn looked like cool guys and there aren't many around at the moment, The Keys being a bit serious-sounding. Having said that, we've seen so little of any groups to date whatever happens there is bound to be a surprise. Indeed, we'll probably know who are in the final before actually hearing them for more than 10 seconds at the rate things are moving.

Tomorrow sees the end of the auditions and, quite frankly, that'll be a relief this year. Still, I live in hope and will attempt to tease out some semblance of a live pack afterwards. Take a look at the photos on the show link above - they'll get updated regularly until we finally know who's through.