Saturday, September 15, 2012

X Factor UK Week 5 Pt1: You didn't miss much.

By tomorrow night we really should have seen at least a glimpse of all the Live Show contestants so, after last week's poor showing, let's hope audition show 9 gives us some hope.

Not a good start, with 70-year-old Nick, grumpily blaming 'Tulisia' for not getting through. Thank goodness. Life improved with Jade Ellis, singing well and with a marketable look and a pleasantly different tone that worked well. She's easily through but very quietly with none of the enthusiasm or cheers or OTT comments from anyone that many with far less talent have had. Odd. Maybe that was because Leona was the 4th judge, although I could swear that it had been Rita a few minutes before. Shot of baby in the background.

Madeleine next, who went to school with Tulisa, although Tulisa didn't make a very good job of remembering her. She was reasonably good, if a bit shouty. Nice personality, polite too. She's through to bootcamp.

Selina is a wedding and corporate singer so you kinda expect her to be reasonable. She's much better than the others so far today, with an earthy, more soulful sound. Good and safely through.

Deanne struggled with some notes and gets through. Not exactly 'incredible', Gary. Another baby daughter gets into the camera. No obvious fathers for any of them though.

Bianca looks good and is confident. Ah, she's Paul Gascoigne's daughter who has already had plenty of tv exposure in more ways than one. I was expecting a Geordie accent so the London drawl was a surprise. Tulisa looks as there's no way she'll vote for her from the start. No love lost there by the look of it. I might have put her through just for that reason alone. I suppose she hasn't got an abs which is all Tulisa and Rita seem to be interested in. Bianca tries I'm Going Down which is a difficult song at the best of times but that title will not have helped her at all either. there are some dodgy notes but no more than most of the others we've seen almost sailing through so far. The audience is strangely quiet, though, so I guess Bianca doesn't score well in the popularity stakes at that venue. My guess is that the local paper had something that morning.

Mel B now magically appears as the 4th judge. This is getting confusing.

Lauren comes on an puts on a guitar. She seems to have a natural, light and cheerful attitude and could be a surprise if she survives bootcamp. Nice, folksy singer with an edge I liked.

Tammy has a loud and slightly annoying laugh. She's brassy and comes from Derby. I was already expecting her to be quite good and bluesy. they bring her Gran on. Why?? But she does eventually start and, yes, she is good. Straight in, belting it out in good karaoke style. She wouldn't have made it in Simon's day. But she's at least on par with the average getting through so that's that. I can see her doing It's Raining Men and whatever the one by Gloria Gaynor was called.

God, the adverts take up so much time. Dr Who on BBC 1 had finished at 8:20pm and this started at 8:10 so I'm watching a recording time-shifted. By half-way through and fast-forwarding through the ads I'd caught up with the live broadcast.

Now it's yet another 4th judge, Anastasia, an early American Idol winner, and they're in Glasgow. This show is so badly edited. It's another Jade, Jade Collins this time who's representing Scotland by the seems of it. Oh dear, it's another sob story. No daddy around. At least she knows who her father is unlike many of the contestants to date, or their babies. This girl had better be good after all that stuff. You know it will be, of course. It is. Jade is a natural little pop star. Pretty in a chubby way, great trousers, 17. the best so far today, in tune and with feeling in the words and song that comes across well.

As seems traditional, the show ends with a great act. I should have guessed.

Switching over to the Xtra Factor, I am beginning to think this is the better show at the moment. Caroline Flack is doing well on her own without Olly, although he is missed and does make the occasional appearance on a pre-recorded bit.

We start with Mohammed. I do hope I can keep out of trouble with that name and not find the Taliban in the village in the morning. He is The Fish Man and already has a 2 million following on YouTube. And that's really all he can do - the 1lb of fish song. Nice enough chap but televised for the laugh, that's all.

The fish theme gets extended as Caroline then takes a tray of fish through to the judges during a break. Gary announces that she smells of fish and that she should go into the back room. Caroline remarks that she hopes no-one had just tuned in at that point. She's often much more on the broadcasting ball than any of the judges, Louie excepted.

Hey, there's an ad for X Factor USA!! 'Coming soon'?! Hmmm.

Oh dear, Collagen Cleavage is next. She says that when you're born you have a blank canvas as some kind of ridiculous validation for changing bits of her body. I reckon she also had a blank brain. No hope there, we're inclined to think. Seems an awful girl. Hope she can't sing. But actually she can. Louis calls her a cross between Pete Burns and Cher - brilliant! As I believe that she was, herself, genuinely surprised to get the deserved four yesses, I did start to feel a bit bad about the comments I made before. Still don't see her as Live Show material, though.

Jason P comes on and we think that we're going to get a rock performance at last, and possibly a good one too. First let down: he's singing Adele. Second let down: he emphasises the word 'new' when referring to who's with him tonight - it's his 'new' girlfriend. You have to feel sorry for both the old and the new. Simon would have stopped him and asked for something else. It still probably wouldn't have worked, though, as the guy had no upper range at all. Pity but that's it. Bye.

Flashes of a few more apparently getting through.

Dana is our worst nightmare of a forceful training manager in a quango in Richmond. You can just imagine her with a ready-made PowerPoint and notes galore, lecturing men twice her age on Safeguarding or Communal Analysis Trends. Thank goodness she can't sing.

Nice filler next from James who we've seen before, James Arthur? in Middlesborough. the guy looks a hundred times better than his dirty red-faced audition in what i think might have been show 1. I have no idea why but Olly Murs and James do an excellent jam of My Heart Skips A Beat. Now that worked really well.

Last act is Hayley Evetts who came 5th in Pop Idol back in 2002. She's good but not 'amazing' as some judges say. Just good and I can see her in the Live Shows for sure. She'll be a safe and reliable contestant and I expect she'll come 5th again.

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