Saturday, September 01, 2012

X Factor Week 3: if you recorded it, just fast forward to the last act.

The Manchester auditions and Scary Spice is on the panel again. Louie's hair seems to have changed yet again but I think that's because we're seeing these clips in a completely different order to when they were filmed. [Continuity guys please note.]

A very chirpy and energetic Nicola emerges and looks like Tulisa might be in a few years. She has a strong voice but is totally breathless even before she starts some 70s style dancing that would frighten the pants off most men. I get the feeling she's used to performing in some clubs around town where blokes cheer a lot. She might improve with a bit a training and gets through to bootcamp. I can't see her getting much further unless they're short of older candidates for Louie to look after.

Jake's next. Jake's a lifeguard and you get the impression that two of the judges, maybe three, would like to use his some body as he performs Use Somebody well, apart from an odd microphone technique that makes you wonder just how long he's been picking up bad habits on the local scene too. Still, not bad and safely through to bootcamp.

Taylor has a much better sound and seems better than Jake who he follows. He's more naturally talented and I can see him in one of the manufactured boy bands.

Jessica and Matt get through next with some very rough cut editing which shows us not a great deal. all I can say is that Jessica is pretty and one of the younger entrants at 17 and she deserves her place at the next round. Matt looked a bit geeky but was quite different vocally and strummed along on a guitar quite nicely. He may have a niche of his own if he survives bootcamp.

We then get some awful mother called Alison who is very loud and embarrassing her kids even before she starts singing. When she does all the kids can do is shake their heads and, quite frankly, she's only on the show for the shots of them as far as I can make out. Dreadful stuff.

We then get to Joseph. He's some hunk of a guy who demonstrates tools on building sites and that's just the sort of thing that appeals to Tulisa and Scary as the camera waits for them to make suitably approving smirks to each other. Tulisa has an amazingly flirtatious look even when she isn't trying but here she is definitely trying. Joseph does a nice rock audtion with a Zeppelin track and that goes down really well. We get some crap about him doing it for his son which we could do without as presumably there's a mother somewhere and tool salesmen don't do that badly. The star the two girls reckon he is? I doubt it but he's good tv. We'll see more of him, anyway.

Next stop is Scotland where we start with Dermot in a grey T shirt and jeans warming up the audience. Waking them up, more probably. It gets dark early in Glasgow. No men in the audience. Glasgow men don't do to X Factor shows.

Well, some wimpy guy called Alan from Alloa does and he would have been so much better advised to have stayed at home. pathetic and I really do have to wonder why on earth his audition was the intro to Glasgow? Strange. Alex Salmon will be furious. Loretta follows - a huge black lady in a red dress. We get the rear view camera for some reason and her backside looks as if it is glowing like some setting sun. She sings appallingly. What is going on?

Hester appears but the plastic horns, white tights and pink bits say it all. Well, they don't say it all, actually as she launches into a completely unexpected Wild Thing which is almost in tune and at least she tried. Still not much good, though. It's getting near the end of the show so you just know that they've saved up something good for the end. On comes Melanie who says she teaches children music. Usually music teachers do OK but they can be a bit formal so, with some reference to fairies or silly names, I'm waiting for her to do the Noddy theme or something light and airy when she wails into an amazing version of Janis Joplin's Cry Baby. Excellent. She will go far. Pretty sure of that. And that's why I put the video at the start.

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