X Factor UK returns

Well, we're two weeks in and there really hasn't been much to rave about here. I can only imagine that the producers are saving up a whole bunch of talent for later shows. Last week Janet Devlin looked and sounded like a winner and no-one has come close in the pretty slow second week.

I'd expected so much from Liverpool too. We had the long, drawn out back story for Misha who then gave us a reasonably good rendition of Respect and a couple of weirdos in Johnny, Craig and another RickWakeman-Susan Boyle love child in some guy who did a Meatloaf track. The Keys were the first group to impress (although there were one or two that appeared to shoot through in last week's Xtra Factor). We had a glimpse of an Olly junior who seemed good as well as Derry and another guy called something like Amster to join the ranks with Kitty in boot camp but no-one has yet matched the one stand out audition so far.

American Idol do, at least, seem to fit in most of the people who stand some chance and, bearing in mind that these auditions took place ages ago, they've got a pretty good idea now so why can't X Factor show more quality material? In fact, I reckon there's been more on Xtra Factor so far! Anyway, here's the current favourite for now.

Haley Reinhart performing in Sacramento last night

There may be trouble ahead . . .

While we're waiting for the next series of something interesting to come along, here's something from way before my time but it kind of encapsulates how I feel at the moment. There may be trouble ahead, indeed.

American Idol 2011

OK. Here we go. If I hear "in it to win it" or "that was amazing" once more I may just switch over to Have I Got News For You or carry on marking assignments. Two hours - hopefully there'll be something else to be said or this will be a very short post indeed.

The 12 come on. In white suits! More like the Bee Gees. James looks like he was told he had to dress like that. Naima must have forgotten to shave as was the only girl in trousers and silver ones at that. Jacob looked silly. Paul smiled and the whole screen went white except for some stubble. Colgate will have loved that and have probably booked him already for their next ads. Casey wasn't at all obvious - sensible move.

James then returns with Judas Priest and things improved. Scotty must have been thinking 'please don't ask me to follow that!' You had to admire James. 4th place but having a whale of a time, enjoying his new life. Lauren was probably worrying about Judas and Priest being in the same sentence.

Jacob got the job in the end. When he realises that he's missing a note he starts bouncing. He bounced a lot. Gladys Knight was cool. But you do have to wonder: Gladys Knight, Judas Priest . . .

Casey got a spot with Jack Black and they got on well while the camera kept clear of the Fat Bottomed Girls. In fact the cameras seem permanently on distant view. I guess they'll just zoom in on Scotty and Lauren in case they get upstaged.

Thia shone in a girlie spot as they did their best at doing Beyonce before Beyonce herself appeared to show them all up, swishing her hair and looking over her shoulder at the camera so well.

Haley got a great response for a remarkable spot with Tony Bennett that we'll all remember. He couldn't believe his luck and she showed how 3rd place was two places lower than it should have been.

Scotty must have lost the toss for the pimp spot, appearing next with some guy in a cowboy hat and jeans. Nice stuff. Yes, er, nice. To be fair, Scotty did as good a job as the experienced guy and deserves a decent contract out of this. I may find him a bit tedious but he does his stuff very well.

Still a whole hour to go and we've only got Lauren and someone before the results. I guess there'll be some more stars - the 100 million audience sells a lot of product. Past years have included extraordinary performances by the likes of Lady Gaga and Christine Aquilera. Hmm... we get someone called Mark Anthony. Who on earth? Oh Jennifer's husband. And she did look pretty good as she danced.

You almost pleaded for the real Tom Jones to come on and rescue the mess the boys had been making of his tunes. Tom Jones, Tony Bennett, Gladys Knight, Judas Priest... what year is this?

At last, someone modern. Lady Gaga On The Edge of an impressive set doing things with some fellow that Lauren would be well worried about. The camera kept either well back or firmly above the waist as she writhed at the top of massive blocks to a quite excellently commercial number. After she jumped off theatrically, Lauren appears and her first line is along the lines of '..he's gone off with some bleached haired tramp'!! Ha ha! Nervous lines followed and then the beautiful Carrie Underwood joins her and makes Lauren look rather old-fashioned and a bit undeserving of a top 2 place. Lady Gaga wins the star spots, hands and pants down. Haley wins the duet with a star spot.

Beyonce gets yet another album ad with an impressive One Plus One which should have been called Make Love To Me but probably got changed because of Scotty and Lauren and God being so close by. With so many lines starting with I don't know much about... I hope she shares some of the proceeds with Sam Cooke. Good track but not as good as Lady Gaga and both remind us all how far most of the contestants are removed from that sort of 'idolness'.

Bono and The Edge must have been in town and dropped in to do the new Spiderman film number. Superb guitar work that reminded me of the mid 1980s.

Steven Tyler at the piano now taking us back to the 1970s and wearing flares to match. Then he stands up and does what he does best and it's results time at last.

No confetti, after all. Scotty wins. Baby, lock dem doors...

American Idol: The Final Pt1

Simon Cowell must be so glad he dropped out. There would have been such a fuss when he fell asleep during the ruddy final. Only slightly less fuss than would have followed the comments I suspect he'd have come out with. I don't know how well I'll be able to cope with several hours of Scotty and Lauren doing country tracks. I have a feeling I'm going to get bored and the start didn't persuade me otherwise. Lauren's voice had been damaged during rehearsals to the point where Haley was brought in to prepare her songs and those she did a few days ago would have been really entertaining and possibly given Scotty a good run for his money. However, that was not to be and he kicks off with Gone and she follows with something else I can't remember even a few minutes later.

Now, in a normal week, there'd have been someone promoting their latest CD to watch in between but before I know it we've got Scotty on stage again with some dismal number that definitely can't have got him any votes and I'm beginning to think that my preview of Lauren and the confetti may have been true after all.

She follows with a track Carrie Underwood picked and that girl sure has more sense. Unfortunately a really silly dress showed that the 16-year-old Lauren hadn't. She looked about 6.

Naturally, the judges say nothing of interest and I'm getting fed up. All I want to know is whether I'll win a few dollars and see the confetti. Ah, adverts! Good.

What is it with all these mini-tracks? I got up to get something out of the oven and Scotty had finished his third song. Something about This Big? Fair enough, I guess, but hardly 'an amazing job'. By that standard, several artists did 'an absolutely brilliantly amazing job' in the series and would be CEOs by now. Sorry. Professional, accurate notes, plenty of sales to the good ol' boys, decent lift music, yes. American Idol? No.

Adverts again. Yippee! Oh no, it's that Keith Lemon idiot on ITV2. Last song from Lauren. The way things are going, this could win it for her. Hmmm. Very smart move by someone! This Mother thing was anthemic and just the thing to get old people voting.

I really do see her in the confetti now.

American Idol: The Semi Final

Beyonce looked old. 15 Minutes into the programme Scotty kicks off. Safe and sound, with backing singers squawking the lines awkwardly just before he sang them rather better. Maybe that was to help in case he forgot the words. No baby lock dem doors low notes but he managed all the high notes, just. This was a pretty professional performance but could have been any reasonable country singer really.

Lauren's dress sense left a bit to be desired, or not, as the case may be. For some reason, I think the confetti comment I made last week has lodged in my mind, (déjà vu?) I can see Lauren winning so expected a lot tonight. This was a great track to start with, cheery and bright although she did miss a lot of notes. Nerves got to her too. In a way, I wonder whether singing a song that you've sung since you were 9 was wise. It meant that lots of bad old habits probably crept in and, whilst OK, it was no American Idol 2011 winner's performance.

The judges were notably underwhelmed with both of them. Randy calling Lauren's effort 'nice' and, unbelievably, he called Scotty 'pitchy in places' which Scotty appeared amazed, indeed, to hear.

Far and far and far away the best first track was Haley doing Led Zeppelin. Really difficult to do and she did it tremendously well. Great start. That must have worried the other two. Looking fantastic too. Judges stood to applaud and that made up a lot for previous weeks.

Next came Jimmy Iovine's picks.

Scotty appears in check shirt and jeans, strumming a guitar. All very competent and good but, I don't know, this is just kinda comfortable cruising. Safe and sound again. Is he taking a bit of a chance or does he just know that there are so many voters in country land that it doesn't really matter?

Lauren improved a bit, both in dress sense, well marginally there, and a great deal in performance. Nice delivery and the track worked. She was thinking a bit too much about what she was going to do next for the whole thing to be as convincing as she ought to have been. The skirt was off-putting.

I'd forgotten that Haley had been on AI last year and I guess that accounts, as well as her extra couple of years, for her maturity and confidence. Rhiannon is one difficult track and replacing Stevie Nicks was always going to be less than easy. A nice performance but not quite as gentle as I would have liked and a little desperate at the end. This is the first time she's been less than a real star for weeks for me. 

Beyonce appears yet again on some weird and annoying video about girls running the world or something involving her changing her clothes every line and fiddling around with a pile of black guys for no discernible reason other than to follow some silly script the film producers has devised. Rubbish. Let's move on, please. She's yesterday and does nothing for me whatsoever. That won't make me popular but I'd have run the French Eurovision guy's video. It would have cost a fraction of hers and been far more impressive.

Scotty wearing an apron won't have got him many extra votes but the suit on stage looked better.Nice job of the Kenny Rogers' track. Well done judges for choosing something that pushed him a little and he did a great job. That may have secured his place in the final. It's almost impossible to think of him not being in it but Lauren and Haley have it within their power and appeal to do just that if they get the right tracks.

Lauren got to do the beautiful I Hope You Dance. I don't know that she was old enough to sing the lyrics and mean them although she certainly looked thirty plus with the way someone's made her up (or not). It was a nice pick and ideally in her range - I just reckon it's a song a mother sings to her daughter, not a 16 year old to an audience and certainly the harsher bits she added seemed very out of place. Jennifer dropped a bit of a bombshell by announcing that Lauren had won the round without even hearing Haley which was not on. She does seem to have something against Haley and that was a killer comment.

Haley gets an Alainis Morrisette number and performs that really tough number excellently. I wondered whether the judges had hoped she would crash with that and I'm not sure it was really her choice but, boy, she put her heart and soul into it and, to my mind, wiped the floor, future star-wise, with Lauren and left Scotty looking like a good ol' boy who can do nice country stuff for the rednecks.

Who knows what the votes will add up to? Reminds me of Adam Lambert's brilliant quality and exciting performances, so out-performing the others, and yet he didn't win. Nor did Crystal last year. It may not even matter, as we've seen from who actually has been the big stars from previous years. All three deserve success this year. I find Haley the most impressive and modern for 2011 and beyond.

American Idol 2011 Final 3

72 million votes screwed the judges and put Haley and Lauren in the final with Scotty, who was there anyway. James had to stop believing but can now get on with annoying audiences with strange high notes and metal thrashing stuff somewhere else. I had to admire his leaving performance, though, and he sure has that star quality - you could see the judges watching and checking their calendars to see whether they were, in fact, not watching the bit at the end of the Final after all.

Only the confetti was missing. But that's being kept for Lauren. That's who they want to win. Haley had to endure yet another load of put downs but I still say she's the one to beat in terms of confidence and a future star. Scotty can just walk away and he'll have contracts galore and can look forward to country gigs for many years to come although I doubt whether he'll have much success on these shores. My guess is that he may even get third place and we'll get a really interesting evening watching two talented girls hopefully at their best.

Enrique Iglesias sang Baby I Like It  and showed "Baby Lock Them Doors" Scotty what a real performance should look and sound like and reminded us all how even the best contestants have work to do. Jordin Sparks also appeared looking much thinner than she used to be with  her new single and doing what Leona Lewis should be doing in the States.

By way of distraction we watched Lady Gaga perform "You and I" in a bikini and yellow hair. Most people will remember her standing on the stool. The contestants were watching this on a video and it was fascinating to see Lauren really not being sure whether she should be watching or not and Scotty needed to do a bit of extra cross-kissing too. This was the track Haley sang in a previous show and I wonder whether she's not seriously thinking about cashing in the publicity with a re-run in the final. Risky, though, and a full version of House of The Rising Sun would be my choice but it will be a battle between The Good, The Bad but not The Ugly next week.