OK. Here we go. If I hear "in it to win it" or "that was amazing" once more I may just switch over to Have I Got News For You or carry on marking assignments. Two hours - hopefully there'll be something else to be said or this will be a very short post indeed.
The 12 come on. In white suits! More like the Bee Gees. James looks like he was told he had to dress like that. Naima must have forgotten to shave as was the only girl in trousers and silver ones at that. Jacob looked silly. Paul smiled and the whole screen went white except for some stubble. Colgate will have loved that and have probably booked him already for their next ads. Casey wasn't at all obvious - sensible move.
James then returns with Judas Priest and things improved. Scotty must have been thinking 'please don't ask me to follow that!' You had to admire James. 4th place but having a whale of a time, enjoying his new life. Lauren was probably worrying about Judas and Priest being in the same sentence.
Jacob got the job in the end. When he realises that he's missing a note he starts bouncing. He bounced a lot. Gladys Knight was cool. But you do have to wonder: Gladys Knight, Judas Priest . . .
Casey got a spot with Jack Black and they got on well while the camera kept clear of the Fat Bottomed Girls. In fact the cameras seem permanently on distant view. I guess they'll just zoom in on Scotty and Lauren in case they get upstaged.
Thia shone in a girlie spot as they did their best at doing Beyonce before Beyonce herself appeared to show them all up, swishing her hair and looking over her shoulder at the camera so well.
Haley got a great response for a remarkable spot with Tony Bennett that we'll all remember. He couldn't believe his luck and she showed how 3rd place was two places lower than it should have been.
Scotty must have lost the toss for the pimp spot, appearing next with some guy in a cowboy hat and jeans. Nice stuff. Yes, er, nice. To be fair, Scotty did as good a job as the experienced guy and deserves a decent contract out of this. I may find him a bit tedious but he does his stuff very well.
Still a whole hour to go and we've only got Lauren and someone before the results. I guess there'll be some more stars - the 100 million audience sells a lot of product. Past years have included extraordinary performances by the likes of Lady Gaga and Christine Aquilera. Hmm... we get someone called Mark Anthony. Who on earth? Oh Jennifer's husband. And she did look pretty good as she danced.
You almost pleaded for the real Tom Jones to come on and rescue the mess the boys had been making of his tunes. Tom Jones, Tony Bennett, Gladys Knight, Judas Priest... what year is this?
At last, someone modern. Lady Gaga On The Edge of an impressive set doing things with some fellow that Lauren would be well worried about. The camera kept either well back or firmly above the waist as she writhed at the top of massive blocks to a quite excellently commercial number. After she jumped off theatrically, Lauren appears and her first line is along the lines of '..he's gone off with some bleached haired tramp'!! Ha ha! Nervous lines followed and then the beautiful Carrie Underwood joins her and makes Lauren look rather old-fashioned and a bit undeserving of a top 2 place. Lady Gaga wins the star spots, hands and pants down. Haley wins the duet with a star spot.
Beyonce gets yet another album ad with an impressive One Plus One which should have been called Make Love To Me but probably got changed because of Scotty and Lauren and God being so close by. With so many lines starting with I don't know much about... I hope she shares some of the proceeds with Sam Cooke. Good track but not as good as Lady Gaga and both remind us all how far most of the contestants are removed from that sort of 'idolness'.
Bono and The Edge must have been in town and dropped in to do the new Spiderman film number. Superb guitar work that reminded me of the mid 1980s.
Steven Tyler at the piano now taking us back to the 1970s and wearing flares to match. Then he stands up and does what he does best and it's results time at last.
No confetti, after all. Scotty wins. Baby, lock dem doors...